About Turn!

This post was drafted October 2021.

When I was in the Girls Brigade, we used to practice marching. We used to do this manouvre called “about turn”. You have probably seen it if you have watched a Military Marching band. It is where you are marching forward and then a point on the ground you turn around.

I feel like I had to do this at the end of September and the beginning of this month.

I started a contract which I loved. There were some concerns at the end of week one, which was a red flag when I look back. The pace of the job was too fast for me and then physically it was really making me tired.

Then I noticed that doing the 15 minute walk from work to the station was becoming laboured and painful. One morning when I had reached work I sat down but when I went to stand I felt a creaking.

I felt exhausted and that I had done further damage to my knees. (Suspected torn meniscus in right knee which, was aggravating long term stiffness in left). There were also some other things that were not working well with the new agency I had joined.

The Drs told me that I should take the week off. I had decided reluctantly that if I didn’t feel better after the week, that I should look for another contract. I put my CV out there and I got interest from an agency that want to consider me for two roles nearer to where I live.

The timing of this is not great but what puts me at ease is a mindset that I have cultivated in this my Golden jubilee year.

1. A spirit of celebration

I have decided to see any coffee and cake, any meal out any invitation out as an extension of the celebration of my 50th year. But having this spirit of celebration has helped me to see this as a teachable moment, something to reflect upon.

2. Knowing myself

Being in that type of pain was a lonely place. No one can feel that pain for you and to be frank some people couldn’t care less about your pain. Its all yours.

When I felt I was hobbling down the street for that 15 minutes to the bus station I realised that I would have to transport myself home no matter how painful it was. I said to myself this is not a position I need to find myself in.

I have my family who rely on me. I still have dependants and we have some pressing needs which really could have done with me staying in the contract. I had already planned what I was going to to with the earnings.

But I had to about turn. In that turn and that walk back to where I had started, I spoke to myself. What did that short journey teach me?

It taught me that whilst I am called to teach, train and coach, I can do it in a way that is kind to myself. Whilst on that tiring journey before the about turn I asked myself what time is there for me to build my own portfolio of work? There was a little but I was too exhausted at the end of the day to even cook dinner nevermind do anything else.

So here I am balancing work, my business needs and the rest of my life. I’m enjoying doing it.

To enjoy this takes a thick skin, to be sure that you will get something else even though those depending on you are upset. It requires belief and faith. Treading an unfamiliar path, exploring other avenues and finding assistance from unexpected places.

This is what it means to get back to life, to experience, to evaluate to try again, to improve.